// Wearing my nerves//

I can’t wait to get out from under my parents, mostly my mom. I love her, I really do. She just wears my nerves. Like this weekend. My cousin is getting married and then my mom decided Kathleen was going to go to the wedding with me and then my parents, Kathleen and I were going to spend a week at the beach. FIRST, she told me this was the plan, did not ask me…already had invited Kathleen and put a deposit on the house. So guess there’s no way to get out of it. SECOND, I would have loved to bring my own date. Not that I’m seeing anyone right now but I have a few guy friends that I’m sure I could have convinced to go with me. Kathleen doesn’t drink and that’s all my family and I will be doing this weekend. She’s going to feel weird or left out. But that’s not my fault. My mom knows this reception is open bar and how we all are when we get together. THIRD, I’m going to sound like a weirdo but I HATE THE BEACH. I don’t mind being there like a few days but a whole week is way too long. I hate sand, it’s gross, it feels disgusting on my feet and it’s almost impossible to get off your body. I hate ocean water. People pee and poop and do all sorts of nasty things in it. FOURTH, I have no desire to spend a whole week at the beach locked up in a beach house with my parents. My mom’s health isn’t the best and she really has no business being on the beach. My dad will spend the whole time fishing or riding his motorcycle or dealing with work stuff. Fine with me but my mom will spend the whole time complaining about how he’s supposed to be on vacation or how her feelings are hurt because he doesn’t want to spend more time with her. 

I’m just looking forward to the wedding. I love my cousin’s financee so much. He fits right in. & not to mention when you get my family together it is always a wild time. I’m just NOT looking forward to spending a whole week at the beach. I don’t need to be spending money but I’m sure I’ll blow a bunch anyway.

ugh! say a prayer for me. This could get bad. BUT when I get back hopefully I’ll be going to the Coke 600 and seeing someone kind of special :)

Completely crazy how you can have a dream that something happens between you and the guy you have been pining over and then a few days later he talks to you about that happening…him being completely unaware of your dream.

I’ve been waiting for him to want to pursue me for a LONG time and tonight he said he did. I’m happy. I just am nervous. What if he changes his mind? or gets confused? I’m just not sure I can be let down by this guy anymore than I already have. 

But really? I’ve been waiting for this so all I can do is jump in head first. Otherwise, I may look back and hate myself for not giving it a chance.

I wish I could still be like some of my close friends. You know the ones that believe in fairy tales. The ones that watch the romantic movies and still believe their love story will be like that. The ones who still believe that that guy who has always been just a friend but you’ve always been so infatuated with..yeah its going to work out this time and you’re going to have that love story you desperately want.

I don’t believe in that anymore. I don’t believe that fairy tales come true. I don’t believe that this time is going to be different than all the rest. 

The funny thing is the person who broke me isn’t someone who has ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. It’s not a guy I’ve ever dated or made-out with or even kissed. Its the guy that told me to start dating my last boyfriend. He wanted to be the good guy that didn’t hold me back. Instead I spent a lot of that relationship wishing that all the great things I was doing were with him. I hate myself for that.

Then a few weeks ago I finally get up the nerve (thanks to 6 beers) to tell him that I wished I had never dated the other guy and how much I wished he hadn’t let me go. Nothing. He just doesn’t respond hardly at all. He tells me he likes me but he’s just weird. Given yes I had been drinking but I just wish for once he would let me tell him how I feel and him actually respond with some kind of blunt honesty.  I feel like part of being friends is being honest and I’ve tried very hard to do that. I just wish he’d do the same. Either way, whether he feels the same or whether he’s moved on because I did. I just want the truth at this point. It hurts too much to keep wondering about how he feels.

// I have loved dorm life//

& this is my last night living the dorm life. I’m so going to miss it. I’ve loved every minute of it. I haven’t always had the best room mate situations but I’ve still enjoyed all the experiences I’ve had living the dorm life.

Crazy I’m graduating with a bachelor’s degree tomorrow. Not that I ever doubted I would, I just had no idea the time was going to go by this quickly. I’ve met so many wonderful people through this journey and I’m sad I may be leaving them. But I may not be. I have no idea what’s next for me. I talked the department head for a different master’s degree today and she said if I filled out the paper work she could see what she could do. Then I go out with a bunch of the girls I’m graduating with and find out one of them got into another school so she’s going to give up her spot for WCU. So I could get in. I don’t even know what number on the wait list I am. I just keep telling myself “His plan, not mine.” And I keep praying that He’ll put the answer to what’s next for me right in front of my face. It’s scary not knowing what’s next but then again its comforting to know that He has a plan for me and no matter what it WILL work out the way He wants it to and the way that will be best for me.

Anyway, better get some sleep. Big day tomorrow!!